The Menopause. For Men and Women. Part 1.

Previously on my blogs..

My last two blogs, on goal setting and achievement, could have applied to any reader of any gender and from any age group. Except perhaps those too young to have discovered the attraction of bad and healthy habits!

On the subject of resolutions and goal-setting, I’d like to report that since writing those blogs, I have managed to run 5km every day, rain or shine, and have dropped ten dress sizes. Unfortunately, though, neither is true!

What is true, is that I set myself a SMART goal. Although the real world does not give us all the opportunity to spend three hours a day on self-improvement, I have managed to achieve my goal of 10,000 steps per day about three times a week, during what has been a very busy time.

That’s 30,000 steps per week, and a total of 9,000 calories that I wouldn’t have burned off if I hadn’t set myself the challenge. I’m taking that as a win, and I’ve certainly enjoyed the endorphins that this effort has created.

Although the visible effects seem to be very little at the moment, I do feel that this is something that I can keep going for the long term, and I look forward very much to seeing the effects of five months of this.

Do I feel happier? Well, I have no doubt that I feel better than I would have done had I not set myself this challenge, or if I had given up on it early on.

I certainly found that deep mid-winter is, indeed, the worst possible time to set out on challenges of this kind! I’m looking forward very much to not having to put on umpteen layers on clothing just to leave the house, and hope to step up (sorry!) my efforts in the Spring.

The Menopause

A subject dear to my heart at the moment (and the hearts of many of my friends of all genders) is the menopause - the inevitable transition that all women face at some stage in their lives.

Interesting, and possibly erroneous, is that one thesarus alternative to “inevitable” is “certain” - and very little seems “certain” during these times!

I felt that “The Menopause - An Article for Women” was one title that I could have used for this blog. But not only would that exclude half the population from having an interest in the blog, it would also exclude half of the people impacted by the menopause and, indeed, half of the people that may be able to have a positive impact on those that are experiencing menopause first-hand. Please excuse the non-inclusion of same-sex couples and other genders in my rough calculations.

There have been many articles written about the menopause - the three main stages, the psychological and physiological effects it can have over a large number of years, and the seemingly unending number of very expensive and often scientifically-unproven wonder cures available on the internet.

I’m not intending to add to that considerable body of work, but rather to look at the little things that can have a positive impact. What I’d like to look at is how couples of all gender mixes can help each other through menopause. There is a slight emphasis on male-female relationships for reasons that will become clear, but I hope that the ideas can be used for relationships for all genders/sexualities.

Communication, Communication, Communication.

Some of the symptoms of peri-menopause, and the suddenness of their onset, can have a negative impact on even the strongest of relationships.

Obviously, for the woman entering this stage of her life, it can be a scary time, particularly as the symptoms can last for years, and there may not seem to be an end in sight.

Although studied greatly, menopause is such a different experience for each individual that there are no “Laws” saying what will happen, or when, or to what degree. There are only guides to what may happen.

And it can be a scary time for partners of any gender, too.

It is human nature to believe that a change in one’s partner’s behaviour might be your fault, particularly when anything you try does not seem to make any positive difference.

This may be exacerbated in male/female relationships, as the male partner has had the evolutionary role of provider and protector. Possibly a bit Neanderthal by modern standards, but we cannot ignore or dismiss human evolutionary history when considering behaviour and reaction to certain situations

A failure to “protect” against this mysterious and invisible “enemy” can lead to despondency and frustration in the partner, and may even become the cause of intrarelationship conflict.

Incredibly, I read that 60% of all divorces in the USA are initiated by women at the ages most closely associated with menopause. Of course, this is not to say that menopause was the key reason for the break up in any of these cases, but it is interesting nonetheless.

I see an important starting point could be to properly research the topic together, and to do it from the viewpoint of all genders involved.

From the research I’ve done for this blog, I’d estimate that 99% of the articles I found on the menopause were, not surprisingly, aimed at women. I’d also estimate that half of those articles were advertising-based.

With so many wonder-cures out there, it’s hard to see why menopause is an issue at all!

I wonder how many men that have partners going through menopause have researched the topic in depth, and whether they’ve actually been able to find any articles of any value at all in helping them find ways to play a more effective role in helping their partners through this.

I have overheard male friends talking to each other, and the general gist is that “The missus has gone ******* nuts!”. I haven’t yet been able to find the scientific study that suggests this helpful methodology.

For reasons mentioned above, it must be accepted that these conversations have the potential to become heated and entirely unproductive - a hormone deficient, frightened woman and a partner questioning their own ability and even their own reason for existence would generally not be regarded as the best trouble-shooting team!

No need for keys in a bowl, but how about swapping partners (CONVERSATIONALLY!!) for such discussions early on, if there are tensions?

It would certainly be a nice night out, and a change of scenery. Surely we live in an age now where intergender conversations about periods and menopause are not taboo. They certainly need not to be.

Again, I’m going to underline that counselling, whether individually or as a couple, is a potent weapon, and enables all thoughts and views to come to the table frankly, and without judgement.

I might suggest that, if menopause is to be discussed, keep the conversation to menopause, and don’t turn it into a bunfight.

Difficult though menopause can be, it will almost certainly not be the only issue that individuals or couples are facing, and nor will it be the root cause of every other issue.

Be kind, be understanding, and men/partners - please don’t take suggestions of what you might be able to do differently in order to help as a criticism of past or current performance. These things move rapidly and unexpectedly, and adaptability on both sides is a must.

More to come in Part 2, which I’ll be writing in between power walks, hot flushes and sleepless nights!!!