The Menopause. For Men and Women. Part 2.
Hi All
I’ve been overwhelmed by the responses to my blog about the menopause (The Menopause. For Men and Women. Part 1. Published 11/02/23). It is clearly a topic that is important to many of you, and it has created much discussion, which I am very happy about, as that was it’s main intention.
Thank you all so much for all of your feedback and support. I hope that my first-hand experiences have been useful. Certainly, all of the responses and feedback have helped me feel part of something, rather than battling through many days feeling alone, like it’s me versus the World. Thanks once again.
It’s fair to say that most (OK, all!) the messages I have received have been from women. In order to get a male perspective, I’ve enlisted the services of someone to represent them, and hopefully create even more discussion.
Guest Writer
Call me Ishmael.
I was told that no one would get that literary reference. As we all have Google, it stays!!
To give a bit of background, I’m a 50-something bloke with a 50-something female partner. She’s been experiencing some symptoms of what I now understand to be peri-menopause for perhaps a year now, and I would say that the ill-effects have become more predominant over the last couple of months.
It was my partner that showed me Claire’s last blog, and I read it with great interest, and some sadness. It is a topic that greatly affects me.
Having read it, I trawled the internet looking for advice for men on how they can help their female partners through this transition, and found that there was actually very little material out there. What there is is very vague, and only really states what the behaviour of any decent human being should be - communicative, compassionate, understanding, patient. I was left thinking “Really?!?!?”.
My searches actually brought up more material about the male menopause than the female variety. I must admit I didn’t know that there was such a thing, and my sympathies to those experiencing it.
So, what’s it like being with someone who is going through peri-menopause or menopause? Confusing, scary, heartbreaking, frustrating.
I often feel unable to understand, to separate which issues we have are due to menopause and which are normal relationship issues, and even less able to feel that I can have any positive impact whatsoever. It’s pretty much what many of my female friends are feeling.
Things that we might have laughed off a few months/years ago now seem to become bigger issues more easily.
I am often left wondering if I’ve changed negatively, or whether she’s overreacting to something that I might consider quite minor.
What I do know is that putting all of our current disagreements or niggles down to HER changes in hormone levels is both arrogant and extremely unproductive.
A major issue here is that I am not yet in place where I would feel comfortable questioning whether this current disagreement is mainly due to her hormones, or if I’m just being a tool! It’s not really something that I feel can be brought up mid-argument. Can you imagine?!??!
I had a bit of a chuckle about the caveman references in Claire’s blog! It is in my nature to try and protect and provide (when it’s not too inconvenient!) and this is one of my greatest frustrations currently - I don’t really feel able to do either effectively.
So, what CAN I do?!?!
Well, the last blog has at least got me thinking, and Googling! That’s definitely a good starting point. With the lack of any materials of real worth on this, though, it’s back-to-basics sort of stuff. I learned that the menopause can take almost a decade and more in some cases, so I will have plenty of time to learn!
Communication
As mentioned above, the ability to differentiate which disagreements or issues, and the rate at which they escalate, are caused by menopause is really difficult.
At the moment, I’m blaming myself for many of the disagreements and escalations, and I’m sure that my partner is doing the same.
I guess the first part of communication is actually understanding how YOU feel about something. Researching and writing this blog has been really useful for me, as has making sure that this is a topic I talk about regularly with my therapist.
My partner and I do definitely talk about the subject more since we read Part 1, and I feel that there is more work to do in this area.
Safe Words
Any argument can get out of hand, even if the reasons for it are fully understood. This doesn’t seem to be a time when everything is fully understood, by either party.
If you’re not completely sure whether this argument was caused or has been escalated by a “real” reason, or whether hormones are a major factor, how about a safe word? You could agree to continue the debate later on or in the morning.
I think that the end result of the search for an immediate resolution is unlikely to be pleasant or productive.
Give each other respect and space.
For the record, I can vouch that “f*** off” is not a good safe word!
Housework
Staggeringly, I emptied the dishwasher twice in one day last week! It didn’t give me the high of bison-hunting on the savannah, and nor did I get a medal (which prompted the use of our safe word!), but I knew that it helped beyond words.
I’m trying to be proud of my actions, however small they may seem. Even when the footy’s on!
Kids
If you have children, they should be getting to teenage years just as the menopause starts. The world is indeed very unfair!
We both work, so we generally spend the weekends looking after the kids, sharing taxiing and feeding and entertaining duties.
I am trying, where possible and practical, to take the kids out of the house for at least half a day each weekend, so that my partner can enjoy some quiet time.
It’s practical, and it’s enjoyable. I find that the extra “one on one” time with the kids has been really great. It’s been a win/win.
Rest
I’ve got to say, this is my favourite action!
Many women find that tiredness is a big issue, and the lucky ones get to lie down a few times a day. Selflessly, I have decided to help out by joining in this new ritual where possible.
Intimacy does suffer during menopause, but this has given us the chance to spend some proper relaxing time together. It’s the time we feel closest, and it’s a thing that has definitely been worth making space for.
Patience
It must be very frustrating to find that things that were easy not so long ago have become inexplicably difficult. It’s certainly hard to see this decline. I keep reminding myself “I’m glad it’s not happening to me. It’s temporary. Bear with it”
Respect
No man I know would be able to deal effortlessly with this huge change if it was happening to them. I do have huge respect for women that are going through this. I would have crumbled.
Discussions with other men. And women
This particular subtopic interested me a lot. I have tried over the last few weeks to try and talk about this with my male and female friends, with varying levels of success. The levels of success, it must be said, seem to be very gender-dependant!
I need to look into this further, as it may be affected greatly by my male friends thinking that they may be betraying their female partners by discussing this openly, behind their partners back, as it were.
Certainly, I would not talk to anyone (particularly within our group of mutual friends) about my partner’s struggles without her express permission to do so.
I do see a therapist once or twice a month, so I do feel able to discuss this topic freely with him, as what we discuss is completely confidential, and it’s hugely beneficial for me to have this opportunity.
I did laugh at the “missus has gone f****** nuts” line - I’ve probably heard that too often!
A work in progress, but I really need to go back to point 1, and make sure that we have full understanding and agreement of what she is comfortable with me discussing, and with whom.
Finally, it’s really important for me to keep reminding myself that my partner’s weight gain, drop in libido and hitherto-unseen absent-mindedness are not her fault and neither are they mine. But they are temporary. OK, “temporary” might mean ten years.
That’s a lot of dishwasher emptying and childcare. But also quite a few cuddles and afternoon naps!!
It’s a bit cliched, but I guess that if I’m going to have a positive impact, it’s time for me to man up. The modern way.
Thanks “Ishmael”.
I must say that’s the most I’ve ever heard from a man on this topic, and I hope to hear much, much more, first- or second-hand.
More feminine views and stories to come in Part 3….